It’s Monday, we’re annoyed, and Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. It’s the perfect time to talk about the not-so-lovely aspects of this holiday, which is supposed to be all about love, like the dumb ish that goes down either because men are lazy, clueless, cold-hearted, or some sad combination of all of the above. Here’s a list of stupid things men do for Valentine’s Day that we pray none of you ladies experience this year. If you have more, feel free to share. :)
Break up with women so they don’t have to buy them a gift
See that line about being cold-hearted. Valentine’s Day has the potential to be the end of any given woman’s cuffing season without so much as a hint, clue, or suggestion. If you notice the guy you’ve been kicking it with/dating since September is suddenly arguing with you every day, you may find yourself alone Friday simply because he’s cheap. And evil.
Wait until the last minute to plan a date
We know men hate Valentine’s Day with about as much emotion as women love it, but if you’re going to bother participating in the holiday, just do it right. Every year, men across the globe spend their lunch hours on the phone begging restaurants for reservations and scrounging the aisles of local pharmacies trying to find some semblemce of a gift that doesn’t immediately scream “Bought in Walgreens.” And every year they fail and piss off their girlfriend who just wanted to know you give a damn
Tell the woman they’re dating they don’t believe in Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s Day
I’m all for men exercising their right not to participate in Valentine’s Day, so long as the person they’re dating knows this is their stance well before the day comes. Do not, I repeat do not, show up at your girl’s house Friday night in sweats with a box set of “24″ in your hand talking about “hey bae” and then when she questions you about a gift you say, “you know I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.” Insert door slam.
Buy women teddy bears
Just…how old are we? 16 or 36?
Buy drugstore chocolate
See point two. If you’re going to bother to get us anything, get us something of quality not them nasty arse bootleg $2.99 candy-in-a-heart chocolates that have been drying out on drugstore shelves since the day after New Year’s.
Serenade women
OK this isn’t dumb, it’s just awkward, cliche, and not practical. Unless you sound like Brian McKnight when Martin hired — keyword hired — him to sing to Gina before he proposed, keep this idea where it belongs: in the minds of romcom movie directors.
Buy women raunchy lingerie
We won’t totally hate on you for this one because women are known to buy men things that they can enjoy as well, but this gift just screams selfish. By all means, spread it out on the bed for when we get home from whatever activity you actually planned for us on V-Day, but don’t let something from Vicky’s be the main attraction.
Buy something their woman explicitly told them she doesn’t like
No-brainer, right? Except for when it’s not. If your lady has told you time and time again she doesn’t like red roses, don’t buy them for Valentine’s Day just because every other man on earth is doing it. Be creative!
Pretend he didn’t remember it’s Valentine’s Day and then surprise his woman with a gift at 11:59p February 14
Yeah it’s cute when you hear these stories with grand happy endings, but the reality is you’re setting yourself up for a night of torture if you go this route. While you’re playing coy like you don’t know what the day is, we guarantee your woman will be sitting across from you with an attitude that isn’t worth whatever it is you’re going to present to her before the clock strikes midnight and she’s possibly already broken up with you.
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